so we're almost into july already... i have to say, june sucked.

i have yet to play with spirit this summer, which is just pathetic. we had about two straight weeks of thunderstorms, which made the paddock a big pile of ankle-deep slop. it discouraged me. now he and duke need to be wormed and need their teeth done, and it's stressing me out. i'm learning from them, but it's at their expense. i run away from problems, forget about them so that i don't have to deal with them. i waited for my dear mother to fix it for me.

three weeks ago my iguana ran away. he was out in his new outdoor cage for the day that my mom had graciously made for me completely by herself...even though she knows nothing about iguanas. she forgot to wire the top shut and now he's been digested by the coyotes. nobody said, "we'll get animal control out here to find him, lex. we'll stop at nothing to find him." and i made myself think about other things. i didn't push the matter. i let him go.

two days later we put my cat down. the vet said she had an impaction the size of a softball in her intestine, and she was completely deaf. we'd already let it go too long.

i need to take control of my life. i've always let things happen to me, let other people fix my problems. i'm hyperventilating from guilt, i can't sleep at night, i can't function. i'm faking happiness, faking laughter, when really i'm walking around like a zombie.

i wish i could just curl up in a ball, fall asleep, and never wake up again.

sorry for unloading all of this on you guys. i don't need sympathy or anything, i just needed to tell someone.